“Monkey, stop smoking! You’re going to die!”
“We are all going to die, sweetheart. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. You got me locked in this cage with three of the ugliest monkey broads I’ve ever seen. The degree of drunkenness required to make them look doable also makes my monkey nub go south.
The irony is not lost on me.
So I smoke this stick of death to numb this so called life of mine. To bring a quicker end to my feeble existence. I smoke because it calms me and keeps me from tearing the zoo-goers’ faces off. I smoke because I like the way it warmly fills my lungs. I smoke because it makes me look really really cool. So what if I can’t climb a tree without losing my breath? So what if my lungs shrivel up into tar filled sacs? And when the cancer gets me, I’m going to still smoke, even if it is through a hole in my neck. I welcome my cigarette fueled death. I welcome it with open monkey arms.”
*blank stares*
“Now, get the fuck out of here before I crap in my hand and throw it at you.”
“The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.”
Two old men
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’ The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, ‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’ ‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’ ‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’ His friend says, ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’ ‘A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?’ ‘Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’
(Source: oldmen)
LUPIN <3
so much love for him.
p.s. i’m just going to post about my favourite hp characters for the next few hours so fucking deal with it mmk.
